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How do we heal emotional pain?

12/8/2020

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I'm sitting in a workshop and the presenter says, "visualize yourself in the running blocks at the starting line on a track...... (he has us really picture this, and we all feel ready to run when he says) on your marks, get set...." and that's it-- he stops speaking. There is a long silence and the room is pregnant with desire for one simple word:  "GO!" Which the presenter did not say. He did this again and completed it saying, "on your marks, get set, go." And the room felt significantly different and relieved from the pressure of the incomplete action pattern. 

When we have an incomplete action pattern we remain stuck, just like being in the starting blocks ready to run and can't. The drive for the completion is such a strong urge that it returns again and again, even when we don't want it to. Typically, people tend to avoid or suppress this urge for completion and resolution because the feelings are uncomfortable and it just seems like an annoyance that resurfaces from time to time. Since there's brief relief in how you manage to push it out of your awareness this becomes the predominant pattern that recapitulates carrying emotional pain forwards rather than enabling healing and resolution. 

How do we heal emotional pain:
Step 1: learn to become resilient and present because no one can heal their pain when they are checked out, numb or avoiding their challenges. We all do it, but this won't work for healing.
Step 2: Agree to take it on and explore the unresolved pain and explore everything you can about the pain: your thoughts, feelings, sensations and beliefs about yourself surrounding the pain. (If you didn't have the power to change the situation in the past, you can face that and realize you can change your reactions to it today.) There are situations we can't go back and change, but we don't have to keep it living rent free in our bodies either, continually knocking at the door, arising again and again looking for resolution.
Step 3: follow the sensations in your body as you allow space for whatever arises, including any self judgements or criticisms, no matter how uncomfortable it is to allow space for the uncomfortable feelings. This is important as you agreed with yourself and decided to face it and take it on, stay with it as long as necessary, even though uncomfortable. Dr. Brown says emotional intensity rarely lasts longer than 6 seconds at it's peak.
​Step 4: When you closely track your bodily sensations and hold all the above pieces together in your mind, and body you allow an opportunity for healing, the action patterns needed to complete and heal have an opportunity to do so and no longer remain stuck.

As 2020 draws to a close, so many of us have felt "stuck" in our circumstances, lives, losses and homes. Will you decide to take on the unresolved pain as you turn towards 2021 and start a new year? 
Will you follow the steps above and allow yourself to move forwards?
I hear people say, "I get in my own way." This might be true, but getting out of one's own way can be out of awareness. Awareness is your most powerful tool for getting unstuck.
As 2021 approaches how will you reorganize yourself? Societally, we are being called to make change, 2020 has brought significant changes that have touched all our lives and each and everyone of us can take the reins and complete the next steps as powerful change agents in our own lives. 
Wishing you the best in 2021. 

​Karen


​
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2020 Brings Many Challenges

10/14/2020

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Unfortunately. . . . 

Need I say more? 

That's 2020 in a wrap. 

Truthfully, so many people are recognizing the impact of social isolation on their mental, emotional and physical health. In what ways have you taken advantage of more time at home? A slower pace of life? Fewer opportunities to go out and conduct your life as normal? How are you discovering your own resilience in the face of challenging times? 

Have you reevaluated your typical coping strategies, or are some of them no longer working as they used to in our pre-pandemic times? 


In the Chineese symbol for crisis, I was told were the characters for danger and opportunity. Covid-19 has certainly brought both danger and opportunities to many of us. 


In my practice, I have come to appreciate tele-health. Before the pandemic, I didn't care for it much. Now, I find the convenience of working from home can be very effective and sometimes more effective than in the office. Clients are more comfortable in their own homes and appreciate not driving to the office. The commute times for us both are zero. I'm frequently wearing my slippers while working at my computer and tho I always dressed comfortably for work and maintain a commitment to my casual appearance, I was not wearing slippers to the office.

Families are negotiating how they share space and manage time. Everyone being home all the time requires more communication. People need privacy and space as well as times of closeness and connection. Learning how best to balance this is a challenge for most families. I notice that clients are needing to learn to be more intentional with the people in their lives, in order for everyone to accomplish their goals.


Of course, we also all know the distractions and challenges of working from home, children not in school, more frequent interruptions, technology challenges and everything at home getting messier quicker. 


The rise in tele-health provides an opportunity for people who have previously thought about seeking therapy or life-coaching to address concerns they needed to attend to and never got around to doing. Some people's symptoms have worsened under the stress that we all are experiencing. If you are not receiving services, consider this time to be the opportunity side of the "crisis." 

How does the pandemic make you evaluate what's important to you? Are there loved ones in your life who live alone, whose isolation has increased? How are you working to stay connected? 

Many of us were hopeful this pandemic would last a few months, but all pandemics in history tend towards 2-3 years. Although our scientists are busy at work on a vaccine, we vary well maybe in this for the long haul. Deaths associated with poverty, poor economy, mental health challenges associated with our pandemic will not be included in our "death toll" count for the pandemic, and unfortunately are equally lethal realities of living through a pandemic. 

Personal Lessons and Reevaluations from the Pandemic
I really miss seeing my extended family who can't travel due to Covid-19. I particularly miss the interaction of my children with their grandparents. I recognize their grandparents don't have many years remaining to their lives, and this time not shared together brings grief.

I learned that I used to travel a lot, and my home was a launching pad and landing zone between trips, and now I have learned to live inside my home. I sit down in places in my home that used to just be for others or walking past or looking at. Changing my chair, changes my location and sometimes it's just enough to have a small change of scenery, I don't always need a far away destination.

I make ceramics and have learned to slow down, pay closer attention to details and in so doing I  have increased my abilities.
I learned that I don't want piano lessons anymore, and if I return to playing, I want to play songs I enjoy-- the beginner songs that I have played all three years of off and on lessons are boring and difficult to force myself through. Pre pandemic, I watched my son and a friend teach themselves a song on the piano from YouTube videos. Although I haven't tried it yet, I realized I need to stop playing for now, and when I return to it, return with a technology integrated approach and find a way to infuse more joy into it for me. 

I have done some personal growth work on myself and worked on strengthening the relations with those close to me in my life.
I adopted and trained a dog (still training in progress, but doing great so far)
I launched a second child 
I have found that Zoom can connect me to my loved ones, and is not a substitute for a meaningful in person experience, but is a good enough connector.

Next up on my list is some more landscaping and gardening in my yard before winter.


What have you learned? What opportunities have you taken? What is still on  your list? What re-evaluations have you undertaken during this Pandemic? 

Best Wishes,

​Karen




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How do we heal emotional pain?

2/23/2020

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I'm sitting in a workshop and the presenter says, "visualize yourself in the running blocks at the starting line on a track...... (he has us really picture this, and we all feel ready to run when he says) on your marks, get set...." and that's it-- he stops speaking. There is a long silence and the room is pregnant with desire for one simple word:  "GO!" Which the presenter did not say. He did this again and completed it saying, "on your marks, get set, go." And the room felt significantly different and relieved from the pressure of the incomplete action pattern. 

When we have an incomplete action pattern we remain stuck, just like being in the starting blocks ready to run and can't. The drive for the completion is such a strong urge that it returns again and again, even when we don't want it to. Typically, people tend to avoid or suppress this urge for completion and resolution because the feelings are uncomfortable and it just seems like an annoyance that resurfaces from time to time. Since there's brief relief in how you manage to push it out of your awareness this becomes the predominant pattern that recapitulates carrying emotional pain forwards rather than enabling healing and resolution. 

How do we heal emotional pain:
Step 1: learn to become resilient and present because no one can heal their pain when they are checked out, numb or avoiding their challenges. We all do it, but this won't work for healing.
Step 2: Agree to take it on and explore the unresolved pain and explore everything you can about the pain: your thoughts, feelings, sensations and beliefs about yourself surrounding the pain. (If you didn't have the power to change the situation in the past, you can face that and realize you can change your reactions to it today.) There are situations we can't go back and change, but we don't have to keep it living rent free in our bodies either, continually knocking at the door, arising again and again looking for resolution.
Step 3: follow the sensations in your body as you allow space for whatever arises, including any self judgements or criticisms, no matter how uncomfortable it is to allow space for the uncomfortable feelings. This is important as you agreed with yourself and decided to face it and take it on, stay with it as long as necessary, even though uncomfortable. Dr. Brown says emotional intensity rarely lasts longer than 6 seconds at it's peak.
​Step 4: When you closely track your bodily sensations and hold all the above pieces together in your mind, and body you allow an opportunity for healing, the action patterns needed to complete and heal have an opportunity to do so and no longer remain stuck.

As 2020 draws to a close, so many of us have felt "stuck" in our circumstances, lives, losses and homes. Will you decide to take on the unresolved pain as you turn towards 2021 and start a new year? 
Will you follow the steps above and allow yourself to move forwards?
I hear people say, "I get in my own way." This might be true, but getting out of one's own way can be out of awareness. Awareness is your most powerful tool for getting unstuck.
As 2021 approaches how will you reorganize yourself? Societally, we are being called to make change, 2020 has brought significant changes that have touched all our lives and each and everyone of us can take the reins and complete the next steps as powerful change agents in our own lives. 
Wishing you the best in 2021. 

​Karen



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Curiosity

1/15/2020

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Curiosity is defined as a strong desire to know or learn something.
How will this apply to your personal growth in 2020? 

Many times we wonder why we do what we do, or better yet how to stop doing something we wish we were not doing. 


The Harvard Business Review stated "Most of the breakthrough discoveries and remarkable inventions throughout history, from flints for starting a fire to self-driving cars, have something in common: They are the result of curiosity." 

How do you become more curious, particularly about yourself? 

1. Become more intentional and clear minded. You can even reinstate your childlike sense of wonder. We all have this inside us, as we lived in this state for many years, and it can be reinvoked with your intention. Becoming clear minded means putting your preconceived judgments and thoughts aside, even if just temporarily, to enable a curious mind. 

2. Once you've cleared your mind and set your intention, begin asking questions. Staying open-minded while listening to the answers is crucial for not shutting down curiosity.  Then, keep asking questions, there's no such thing as a dumb question, particularly when you're remaining curious. 

3. Take a step back and enable yourself to see through new eyes, listen deeply to yourself and remain curious about that which is not familiar. Slowing down and suspending the speed at which you move forwards quickly onto the next thing will enable you to stay curious and investigate the new information. Like judgements, familiarity keeps us in our comfort zone, even when it's not working for us. Enable yourself to tolerate being uncomfortable when seeking new information. You can regain your sense of comfort when you integrate the new information. 

Finally, being more curious will change your experiences of yourself, and those with whom you interact. If you don't believe me try it out: next time you meet with someone, rather than converse in your usual manner, put on your attitude of curiosity, ask questions, slow down, and listen differently and see how being curious about yourself and others can positively change your life. 





​





https://hbr.org/2018/09/curiosity

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December True Form Coaching & Counseling Tips for 2019 The Holiday Season

12/13/2019

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  1. Stay connected to your social supports. Set up certain times to stay connected to your most supportive friends during this Holiday Season.
 
  1. This seems obvious but it gets forgotten: EXERCISE! Research shows that it reduces stress, increases endorphins (feel good hormones in the brain) and will help you feel better about yourself and any extra calories you choose to eat.
 
  1. Set intentions. This simple act of setting an intention for yourself will help focus your mind. Setting intentions is different from goal setting in that your focus is on how you are "being" in the present moment. Your attention is mainly focused on the present rather than the future. As you do this you align your actions, in the present moment, with what matters most to you.
 
  1. Limit time spent with challenging people. Often the Holidays bring upon many of us obligations requiring us to schmooze with people whose company we may not enjoy. Honor yourself in these moments, do the right thing, and limit the quantity of time you stay. Additionally, add some balance and make a point to spent time with friends whose company you do enjoy.
 
  1. Evaluate your priorities: When people are aligned with their values, anxiety is low and there’s a sense of ease, living your life fully and overall satisfaction. If you’re not sure what’s most important to you, or know that your life could be better, consider hiring a counselor or coach in the New Year to help you find clarity and create a life you love living.
 
 
Karen@Trueformcoaching.com. Www.TrueFormCoaching.com
 

 
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Autumn To Do's

10/22/2019

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Feel the cool, crisp air whisk around your skin

Decide to show up bravely in your life today
 
For an hour or two today put down the phones, tablets, computers & electronics
 
Connect genuinely with a friend and have a heart to heart conversation
 
Slow down long enough to discover what you feel grateful for in your life
 
Laugh with someone you love, preferably every day
 
Pause before you speak, decide to come from your heart
 
See the loving essence of those you care about

Don't sweat the small stuff, maintain perspective and pick your battles wisely
 
Recognize another and see below the surface, let them know you care

In a moment stop and feel your feet on the ground, the breath inside your lungs
 
Listen to others with your whole self
 
Notice the healing power of water and how it sustains us
 
Tell someone you love them, and feel it when you say the words
 
Take a risk and try something new
 
Let yourself fail and forgive yourself in order to learn from your experiences
 
Mindfully taste your food

Learn to live fully & set yourself free
 

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Summer Delight

6/28/2019

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What fills you with joy? A somatic based therapist inquires about how do you generate and experience joy? Typically, people will look to externals for what brings them joy--a trip to the beach, sharing watermelon with their children, or riding bicycles on a beautiful sunny, summer day. External activities, people or places could bring you joy, but joyfulness is generated from the inside out rather than from the outside in. It's not the people, places or things that make a person experience joy. 

The dictionary defines joy as the feeling of great pleasure or happiness. Common synonyms are: delight, joyfulness, jubilation, triumph, exultation, rejoicing, happiness, gladness, glee, exhilaration, ebullience, exuberance, elation, euphoria, bliss, ecstasy, delight, rapture, radiance.
    What's an attitude? It's how you embody yourself, and the experiences you generate. In order to experience and express the synonyms of joy, it's obvious to me, that each of the words would be distinctly different from the other words. The mere fact of  calling them a synonym makes them seem the same. Having discernment about your own experiences is important! Knowing how to distinguish between nuances of your experiences can help you organize yourself and generate more rewarding connections with others.


Rather than looking to externals for your joy and sense of fulfillment, how do you connect to yourself, organize your bodily attitudes and fill yourself in a joyous capacity? 

How do you share that with others, or once you have generated the experiences for yourself, what will you choose to do with the experience? Some people may choose to sustain and contain their experience, while others may prefer to share it with others. If generating, containing, experiencing and or sustaining joy is challenging for you, consider what barriers are in your way, and how best to address them? 

Rather than read and think further about the topic: take a moment to take a few deep breaths, check into your sensational self, and bring yourself to a joyful place. Pay attention to what you do to get yourself to experience joy? Are you generating visions, sounds, memories? What do you do to fill yourself with joy and how will you respond to the joy you create?

Today, I'm going to give myself an attitude of gratitude as the flavor to the joy, I'll create.

Enjoy (there it is again). Joy is everywhere, should you choose it.


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One Year Since I Moved

7/18/2018

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Since moving to North Carolina from Tucson, Arizona, my home of fifteen years, it was time to practice what I preach. Mixed emotions plagued me for the first 6 months. I felt sad, lonely and grieved the loss of a balanced life I loved, and worked hard to establish and maintain. I also felt excited and hopeful for the new opportunities for myself and my family. Around the 9 month mark after moving, I came to grips with the reality that I was feeling rather impatient. Generating a balanced life I loved living was going to be a significantly longer process than I expected. 


Much of my work is helping clients achieve their own sense of balance, fulfillment and life satisfaction. Typically, this means aligning their actions and priorities with that which matters most to them. Often just 16 sessions helps clients achieve this, over the course of three to nine months. I did not get myself there in this timeframe. Expectations lead to disappointments. 

Back to basics in order to work towards recreating a life I love. What are my values, and what matters most to me in my heart? Since this is not my first go-round, I do know my values and how to listen deeply. I am also confident that I WILL achieve the life I desire. Yet, like many clients, I too have my resistance, blocks, distractions and barriers to address in order to move myself from feeling stuck into action. Aligning my actions with these values and priorities is taking longer than I expected. I decided to practice what I preach and sought out the guidance of a life-coach, and trusted colleague. She is coaching me through the necessary stages of change to guide me into action towards my goals.

The below change model helps people understand that there are stages to change. These are often easier to see in others rather than in ourselves. Many times, clients struggle to listen deeply to what they know in their heart is true. There are several forms of distraction; but one of the most common ones are the well wishes for them from others. Other’s wishes are often well intentioned but may be misguided based on their own set of experiences, values and priorities rather than yours. Until a person is ready to change, change will not likely occur. Occasionally outside circumstances forces change upon us, and this can be quite disruptive to a peoples sense of balance, happiness and quality of life. 

The Transtheoretical Model of Change by James Prochaska: 

Pre-contemplative stage, where there’s no sign of a person taking action anytime soon. Typically they see nothing wrong, and are comfortable with life as it is, or they’re not comfortable but in denial that anything could be different. 
Contemplation where a person begins to think about changing in the foreseeable future. 
Preparation (determination) where someone is ready to start taking action in small, manageable steps towards change, in the very near future. This is what I would call the mobilization stage. This stage, or any of the subsequent stages, would be good time to start working with a life coach or an executive coach. 
Action is when a person has addressed some non-working behavior patterns by substituting them for new, healthier or more supportive behavior choices. This phase takes course over time and multiple action steps occur along the way. 
Maintenance is where a person sustains their positive changes for six months or more and have developed strategies to prevent the old ways from returning. Many people stay in this as their final phase. Some people battle reoccurring old patterns and re-implementing their new choices versus other people who have truly lost all the pull to return to their old non-working patterns. Often this means the new behaviors are rewarding and self-fulfilling enough that they’re worth the effort put forth.
Termination phase when the old non-working behaviors have been completely and successfully eliminated. There is no threat of the old, non-working behaviors returning. The change is fully solidified. 

Where am I in James Prochaska Transtheoretical Model of Change? I am in the preparation phase of change. The steps I’m taking are quite small and preparing me for genuine change down the road. Along my journey towards recreating a balanced life, I love living, aligned with my values and what matters most to me in my heart. This journey will continue to present some challenges, discomfort and growth opportunities. For example, I’m more keenly aware how my impatience with myself and wanting a balanced life I love, now, generates my own dissatisfaction in life. When I ignite this non-working behavior pattern, and allow it to take hold, I generate frustration.  Once I have filled my body with frustration and impatience, I move into non-working controlling behaviors towards my loved ones, resulting in relationship challenges. Once I have generated relationship challenges, I have created further frustration, which I allow to further fill me.  As I generate disconnection, frustration and long to feel loved, connected, balanced, whole, happy and flowing freely along the journey of life, clearly I am completely misaligned with my values and that which matters most to me in my heart. 

Do I have the power to change this non-working pattern? Completely!
What’s the key to realignment? How do I address my impatience? When I find acceptance of people, places and situations that may not go according to my desired outcomes, I can be more present with what is in front of me and generate possibility thinking instead of remaining close-minded and stuck in expectations. When I become more mindful and practice being present to each moment,  free from expectations, excuses or justifications, I free myself to flow towards balance and achieve my goals. 

Acceptance, mindfulness and practicing patience with myself and others holds the key to my happiness.  When I am in this state, I more easily remember that it is the life’s lessons during my journey that enables me to grow, it is not about reaching a final destination. Learning to appreciate and enjoy the journey of life, generates satisfaction and fulfillment along the way. I too, like my clients, continue to address the blocks and barriers standing in the way of my achieving my goals. I know that I will achieve my goals to recreate a balanced life which is satisfying and fulfilling. As I grow myself to become a more patient person, I will reap the benefits and enhance my relations as a result of my personal growth. 

What blocks you from living aligned with your values and that which matters most to you in your heart? 
What are your top three non-working behavior patterns that you would desire to change? 
What stage of change are you in around each of those (note, it can be different for each one or the same).? 
What would it take for you to hire a coach to help you move through change towards permanent and lasting life satisfaction? 

Email me at Karen@TrueFormCoaching.com 
I’d love to hear your answers. 

Karen

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Phones & Kids Driving You Crazy? 

4/12/2017

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  1. Become A Love & Logic Parent Workshop May 2,9,16,23.
  2. ​More and more really good kids, kids of all ages, are getting in big trouble with cell phones.
     
    Teachers are pulling their hair out over students who spend more time text messaging than learning. Each year this seems to get younger and younger.

    Some students are even using phones to take inappropriate pictures of test answers… and each other! If you have young children teach them about living their lives with very limited use of smart phones.
     
    Teen drivers and cell phones create havoc… and death! If they grow up with a phone, how will they learn it's time to put it down?

    Toddlers are often asking for their parent's phones frequently, and don't want to put them down.
     
    Parents are finding themselves in constant battles with their kids over: being on their phones too often
    huge cell phone bills
    lost phones stolen phones or damaged phones
    phones being taken away at school
    phones being used at the dinner table
    phones being used during church and other family events.

    Youth today are not learning to connect, converse, and be in relationship with other peers and adults, as they did for generations prior due to the invention of the smart phones.
     
    Here are some suggestions:

    •  Be a good model. Don't use your phone while driving, or important family moments and show respect for others by turning it off when you should.
    •  Let your child know that they can have a phone only when they can pay for the privilege.
    Let them use the phones, that belong to you only after their homework and chores are completed.
    •  Don't fall into the trap of believing that your kid has to have a phone for safety reasons. We all survived our youth without smart phones!
    •  If the phone is lost, stolen, or taken away at school, it's gone. Don't buy them another!
    •  Take it away if it becomes a problem. Feel free to use short term consequences like a 24 to 48 hour restriction, or set parameters for the phone to be earned back. Should you choose to put it away for a significant amount of time, I assure you, your child will be just fine!

    While this advice may seem old-fashioned, parents who follow it raise far more respectful and responsible kids. Teach them to connect with their friends by telephone, or even better: face to face without their phones. Live by example, they're watching, even when you don't think they care to learn from you anymore.
     
    Thanks for reading! My goal is to help as many families as possible.
    Forward info about the workshop to a friend: HERE
     
    Dr. Charles Fay & Karen Quigley

    Your family... IS WORTH THE INVESTMENT!


    Sign Up Here!
 Need a free consult or more information?
Call Karen at (520) 955-9503. Email: karen@TrueFormCoaching.com. You can learn more at www.TrueFormCoaching.com

I look forward to working with you!
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It’s the end of the year, a time for reflection!

12/1/2016

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How did you apply your best self in your life in 2016?
 
What do you want to change going forwards in 2017?
 
Are you looking to improve the quality of your life or actions as you go forwards into 2017?
 
Change is inevitable, do you want to be the agent of change in your own life?
 
What would it take for you to be more ____________ (fill in the blank: happier, satisfied, intimate, loving, successful, faster, stronger, empowered….. keep going).

It's worth asking yourself the question: how can I make myself and my life better? You're as worthy as the next person to have an amazing life. 
 
When we remove the blocks or barriers and/or develop the necessary skills we lack, we can easily generate the life we deeply desire.
 
Sometimes we want to give the gift of coaching to others, help them to change and if the person desires this, then change is possible. I am having a sale on coaching now through the end of the year. 
 
Take the chance that you can become everything you desire and make it happen for yourself in 2017. A collaboration with a coach, helps become your guide, and accountability mentor keeping you on track, as you make your dreams and resolutions a reality throughout the year.
 
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